5 Ways Hollywood Fucked Up the Jem and the Holograms Movie

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Oh, Hollywood. Must thou continually disappoint me? Based on the movie Jem and the Holograms, apparently so. Here are the many, many ways in which the movie Jem and the Holograms is terrible, because the producers didn’t hire me to write the screenplay.

#1 Just because the cameraman needed to be coked up to film this movie, doesn’t mean the viewers should have to experience the shaky camerawork resulting from his withdrawal

Seriously, is this movie about “rock stars” a sequel to the Blair Witch Project? Stop trying to give your viewers seizures in lieu of providing a compelling story.

#2 Don’t make it modern

One of the best things about Jem is how very ’80s it is. With the glamorous outfits, makeup, rockstars who save the world storylines, those of us who enjoy the show Jem enjoy how very emblematic it is for a decade now gone.

Who do you think your audience is, Hollywood? The teenagers who have never seen a John Hughes’ movie?

How did you fail to realize that you were making a nostalgia film, and fail to treat it accordingly?

#3 Don’t start your attempt at a movie series based on a TV series at the beginning

As I just mentioned (see point #2 if you have amnesia), this movie should be made with the intent to pander to fans of the naive, ridiculous ’80s television show. As such, why would you give us the band creation story? It’s like saying you’re going to make a pornographic movie, but leaving out nearly all the sex. Giving us all of the exposition, the lousy dialogue, and ending it with some softly lit scene between a woman who has taken her shoes off and her partner writhing beneath some sheets, safe to be shown on any cable network.

Take a cue from Homer – start in media rei; exposition is boring, and neither new nor old fans of anything are likely to appreciate it.

#4 Don’t cheapen your movie with pedophilia

Jem is pretty obviously in her twenties in the television series (I… might take my cartoons seriously). So why is she a teenager in the movie? Why make rich, successful, confident Jerrica a mewling, self-conscious teenager who becomes famous via social media with a song so terrible someone not watching the movie might think I was YouTubing weird cat videos?

Also, by making Jerrica younger, it makes her love story with college-age Rio inappropriate and creepy. There’s a reason that statutory rape is against the law; let’s not glorify sex with minors, please.

#5 Having Juliette Lewis Acting Like Parker Posey is not the same thing as having Parker Posey

I like Juliette Lewis, but it feels like she’s feigning the biting edge that Posey has in spades. If you need Parker Posey, just get Parker Posey.

anemic jem
Oh, look guys – its the anemic Jem and the Holograms.

Do you disagree? Do you think that I missed an important problem with this film? Please share your thoughts in the comments below! (Or send an e-mail to whoever produced Jem and the Holograms, and explain to them that it was awful and that they would have had a better chance of creating a movie franchise deserving of a sequel if they had hired me instead.)

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