WTF Disney?

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I find it slightly hilarious that Disney did such a great job with Star Wars, but cannot seem to get adaptations of their own fairy tale cartoons right. I recently watched the live-action Cinderella, and even though I was only half-watching it, it still nearly put me to sleep.


This sleeping kitty picture is more interesting than that movie.

There is so much to ask about this movie, but I think the most pressing question is why bother to make a live-action Cinderella based off of your Company’s well-known, cartoon version if you’re not even going to try?

Okay, I mean… I KNOW why,  but for a big-budget movie, you’d think they could have tried hard to make it, you know, decent.

This movie could have been amazing. Instead, I was bored.

While the actress who played Cinderella herself is beautiful, and physically looks the part, after having watched this Cinderella movie, I have to wonder if she can act. The cartoon version of her character seemed to possess more intelligence, somehow. Live-action Cinderella comes across as a kind little idiot.

kind little idiot

And while it was cute that cartoon-Cinderella can talk to animals, the live-action movie keeps the animals, but doesn’t allow them to talk back. I guess it’s more realistic, but it also makes your heroine seem like a schizophrenic. When she goes on her rant to the prince about hunting the stag, you truly have to wonder what he sees in her. My personal verdict is that he was extremely horny – which, considering how quickly a marriage is generally consummated, doesn’t bode well for that union.

Divorces don’t grow on trees, prince!

In addition, talking about being realistic here for a moment, if Cinderella is an environmentalist who can’t even stand for animals to be hunted, I am presuming she also can’t bear to eat them. I am not certain of the exact time period in which this movie takes place, but I find it hard to believe she’s going to be able to eat a well-balanced diet without eating meat. Maybe that’s one bonus for the prince: by the time he gets sick of having sex with her, she’ll probably have made herself mortally ill via malnutrition.

Not any meat, she says. I feel FINE, she says. Now *I* have to tell her husband she’s dead. #FML

The message that kindness is the most important trait really seems more like – kindness is the only trait that matters. This message, while kindly met, I’m sure, is also kind of odd. You sort of feel like, if Cinderella’s mother had not stressed kindness quite so much, maybe she wouldn’t have been afraid to grow a backbone and tell her stepmother “no.” Kindness can be a great trait, but allowing other people to walk all over you is not kindness, it is cowardice.

step on you
Don’t forget to wipe the horse shit off on your stepsister, girls. She doesn’t say anything, and smiles, so she must like it. Every masochist needs people like us.

And speaking of her stepmother – what a waste of Cate Blanchett, who looks gorgeous, but isn’t mean enough or smart enough to make this character sizzle. Cate deserved a better role, and you have to wonder if she had a larger part that got edited out for butterflies and ugly renditions of the signature Cinderella dress.

cate blanchette is wasted
I’m sorry, Cate. I know there is a better evil stepmother inside of you.

They took this iconic dress:


… and turned it into this:

Cinderella dressEssentially, they took a sparkling, sophisticated vision, and turned it into a cheap-looking tart. Why is the dress such a dark blue? Why is her hair down? Why are there fucking butterflies all over it? I don’t know, but I hate it.

And finally, and perhaps most unforgivably, why have Lucifer in the movie, if you’re going to completely water him down?

Shame on you Disney. Shame. On. You.

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